Remember how a couple of months ago ScoMo brought the Tongan prime minister to tears? Sopoaga used to eat sedition charges for a light breakfast so it must’ve been some proper fiery-tongued pentecostal climate denialism the Scuz was spewing around the meeting table that day.
Here’s how I picture it:
A lingering cheshire grin
A lonesome tear; a snarl
A second tear dilutes the rising tide
Of indifference
Ink pools mid-scrawl
Emboldened
The cackling head leaps onto the table
Chairs slide on grief-stricken floorboards
Overcome, the scowl reaches climax
To the words, ‘How good is this?!’
But I wasn’t there. As far as I’m aware, I’m not anywhere. Which is exactly where I intend to be. Behold my Labor Party. We are the decrepit chump flogging two-for-ones to the greatest contortion show ever to exist on this terminal Earth.
The ALP as you’ve never seen it before, because now you literally cannot see it.
We’ve gone so teeny, so petite, that the worst of our critics look like they’re fucking mozzies in a darkroom. All hump and no bump.
Meanwhile at LibHQ it’s back to ‘business as usual’ or, as one genius put it, such ‘an imploding supermassive shitshow of desperate incompetence so violently bunglefucked six ways from Sunday that even listing the major oh-no moments feels like shamewanking over grief porn’.
Wank away, I say. That little truffle was written before the polis shoved Excalibur through its own frontal lobe in the least honourable seppuku since Adolf said fuck it.
Here’s a few recent ‘oh-no’s. Until a month ago, David Littleproud, federal water minister during extreme drought, “didn’t know” if climate change is manmade. Craig Kelly MP likened an indigenous voice in parliament to apartheid. And Pauline Hanson may yet be on a panel to overhaul the Family Court.
And yet, nothing in this montage tops the image of our ScodHead with his Pacific family. A sheeny betrayal, a heartless farewell.
If that doesn’t scare you, what can I do?
Copyright © 2019 by the author(s). This article is presented under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License. You are permitted to share, copy and redistribute the material in any medium or format, and to adapt and build upon the material. You must give appropriate credit, provide a link to the license, and indicate if changes were made. You may do so in any reasonable manner, but not in any way that suggests the licensor endorses you or your use. You may not use the material for commercial purposes.